The Best and Brightest Cleanse Ever!

I did approximately 17 days of cleansing this month.  That's consecutive, of course, since one day on/one day off would hardly be effective.  I recently noticed a tincture at the back of my cupboard to cleanse your lymph system, and I thought, "Maybe I should do that.  It's been a while." Generally when I have a spontaneous thought-germ like that I try to follow it.  I figure my brain fed me that idea for a reason, so I decided to go for it.  My herbalist counseled that in order to properly cleanse my lymphatic system I needed to clean my elimination organs first (liver, kidneys, colon).  Seemed like a good idea; I knew my liver for one could definitely use a good bath.

Let me give you a bit background on your lymph system, and please, forgive any errors, I'm a total laymen.  Your lymph system is comprised of your lymph nodes, tonsils, spleen, and thymus gland (I have no idea what that one does).   It's like a highway for your circulatory system and your major organs: removing waste, toxins, cancer cells, pathogens, and dead blood cells, and also providing nutrients, white blood cells and hormones to your blood.  Unlike your circulatory system, which has this great pump called your heart to keep it going, the lymph system has no pump, so when it gets clogged up it's more difficult to drain.  Exercise is a great way to stimulate your lymph system.  Stimulating your lymph system promotes healing.  

Cleansing my lymph system seemed like a good idea because I'd been sick a couple times lately, and when I get sick it often starts in my tonsils.  Also, I had sort of a tough month February (as if you hadn't noticed) and I needed something difficult to sink into.  I'm a glutton for punishment I guess.

I decided to do 10 day whole body cleanse first, and then move on to my lymph cleanse.  This isn't one of those things where you fast and drink only a wacky version of lemonade.  No, instead it's just a bunch of supplements to take every day, while eating clean.  I assumed that cleansing would be pretty easy.  I mean, I had already pretty much cut out alcohol and caffeine, because I knew I wanted to cleanse, and after the holidays I needed a break.  And I already eat pretty healthily; I don't eat gluten at all, and I don't eat that much starch either.  I don't eat lots of red meat, I like eating lots of raw veggies and salad, no fast food; you get the picture.  So the main thing was to cut out dairy (except yogurt - it doesn't deserve to be called dairy), and really commit to no alcohol.  Easy.  Besides when I first started seeing my herbalist, Jeff, I cleansed very successfully for about a month.  Now that I'm all enlightened and shit I got this.

So it turns out that was really the wrong attitude.  Surprise!  Going into something assuming victory doesn't always lead to victory.  Whaaaaat?  Right around day 3 or 4 of my first cleanse I REALLY didn't want to be doing it.  Without the motivation of a recent major illness my resolve to cleanse was seriously disabled.  I wanted to have a glass of wine with a friend.  Not 3 glasses of wine, just one.  And I wanted to be able to eat a little ice cream at work.  On numerous occasions I had a cleanse-fail, usually involving alcohol and a friend I hadn't seen in a while.  At first I was really bummed, down on myself.  I wanted this to be the Best and Brightest Cleanse Ever!  But then I decided okay, this isn't the last cleanse.  And I started it, I bought the supplements, I'm going to finish it.  I mean, if you fall off your bike you've got to get right back on, yeah? 

So I recommitted, and went on to cleanse number 2.  And fuck, it was just as difficult!  Turns out, I'm pretty tough on myself already, as far as food goes, and I have no interest in making life more difficult in that arena. I'll cleanse again, and when I do it I'll approach it with less hubris and more humility.  Because I think it is a valuable exercise, both physically and mentally.

I'll close with an anecdote.  A new enthusiastic student of Buddhism went to her teacher and asked, "If I meditate four hours a day how long will it take to reach enlightenment?" His teacher told him it would take 10 years.  To which the student asked, "If I meditate for eight hours a day then how long will it take to reach enlightenment?" Her teacher's response: "Twenty years."  Nothing gets easier as you advance.  The lessons become more complex and difficult as your ability to rise to the occasion grows.

A sunny afternoon at the movies

Oh!  I forgot to tell you about when I went to see Shame!  So let's just take a little trip back in time (two whole months!) and I'll tell you about it now.

Everyone I know had already seen it, so I decided to see it by myself.  Call it an artist date.  And anyway, seeing it alone allowed all the more room for me to indulge the fantasy in which I bed this man:

Rowr.  So one sunny afternoon in January I betook myself to the ArcLight Pasadena for an afternoon at the movies.  I went to Pasadena because I wisely waited until it was barely in theatres anymore.  I mean, I wouldn't want to look like I was in a hurry, right?  That's unfashionable.

The weather was good for a trip to fantasyland: Shame was showing in a smaller theatre and there was only one other person there, so I could imagine I was in a private viewing room.  But it started to cloud over when five or six more people came in right before the show started, all of them at least 25 years older than me.  This last part surprised me, because I just don't imagine the middle to old aged population of Pasadena getting excited over an NC-17 movie about sex addiction.  But who am I to judge?

As the ArcLight girl started giving her pre-movie spiel I was really excited.  I'd heard nothing but good things about Shame; I was looking forward to one of those movie experiences where the film you're excited about meets (or surpasses) your expectations.  And then the storm broke.  A seriously old couple came in late and chose to sit  (you guessed it) two seats down from me.  Picture these two  this husband and wife who've been married since the Great Depression tottering carefully down the aisle, using the seats on either side for support because  they don't have canes even though they need them.  Their backs are hunched with osteoporosis, and their fingers are gnarled from arthritis.  I'm not joking about this, they had to be in their 80's at least.  And they wanted to see Shame.  Okay.

As they were walking in the girl was talking about the movie and the theatre, and the old said super loudly, "What?"  The ArcLight girl paused, but she just kept going.  I probably would've too.  Then the old lady turned to me, "What did she say?" (You know that special volume reserved for half-deaf octogenarians...)  before turning back to the girl and saying, "We can't hear you!  Do you have a microphone?" An awkward silence fell over the theatre, but ArcLight girl gamely continued trying to tell those of us with hearing about the emergency exits. The old woman, who was by now seated, chimed in, "Yap yap yap."  Storm warnings in fantasyland.

As the lights dimmed my elderly neighbor, who was parked in front of the railing, said to her husband, "Mario!  Mario!  Put ya feet up Mario!"  Beyond this, however, the start of the movie went pretty smoothly. Right around when Carey Mulligan was introduced the middle aged lady on the other side of me got up and left.  But that's her choice, you know?  Better she should leave than put weird vibes out, and I knew this movie wasn't for everyone.  Better than the old folks to my left, who punctuated the film with noises of disgust like, "Phawwww!"  Fantasyland was now closed due to inclement weather.

At a crucial moment (spoiler alert, sort of) Mario's wife said (more like hollered), "Did somebody try to murder her or what?" and I could hear the judgement in her voice.  She thought Carey Mulligan's character deserved bad things to happen to her.  When the movie was over Mario's wife let the whole theatre know in her loudest proclamation yet, "Awful movie!"  Big surprise, they hated it.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised about my viewing companions, because who goes to 4pm movies on a Wednesday?  Old folks and kids.  And no way was anyone bringing a kid to that movie.  I loved it though.  If you're a fan of American Psycho you'd like Shame.  I mean, you've already seen it of course, because I'm reviewing a movie that was released five months ago,  but if you hadn't seen it I'd say go.  But leave your grandparents at home.

A day in the life of my cat

When I have too much time on my hands you know it's your lucky day!  That's right, I created, just for you, a photo essay in which I reenact my favorite Zaphod moments.  Enjoy:

You never see the skeletons of cats in trees

Oh hey.  You were gone?

Who the fuck does that other cat think it is?

Meditation on shoes: a haiku

Busy day at work?

The smellier the better

Oh shoe! Marry me!

All in a day's work:

Keepin' tabs on Kitty Town

Making the rounds.

   In and out                      

Food critic.

Cat Nap!

Don't touch my belly

If you need me you know where to find me

Me-ow!

Animal Abuse

Why are you doing this?

I've never been unhappier.

I won't forget this.