I want to wear that on my face.

I can always tell I'm avoiding something when I find myself frantically tied up in a meaningless task.  Like that time recently when I sidestepped down the beauty aisle at CVS searching for blue mascara.  I pored over those beauty displays obsessively, looking for real untinted unapologetic blue mascara.  I was sure they'd have it, but unfortunately amongst the 10,000 tubes of eyelash tinting goo the closest it got was sapphire black.  I'm sorry, but that's not blue.  It might be tinted, but it's still black.  It's like saying Zaphod's vomit was greenish-yellow.  Although it had a greenish cast to it, my cat's barf was still primarily classified as yellow.  And I didn't want something that almost blue - I wanted authentic honest blue.

         During this search  I chafed against the marketing bein used on me (surprise).  Who are these people telling me that this product is for blue eyes and that one is for brown eyes?  Yeah yeah yeah, some corporate beauty expert got paid a billion dollars to do a color analysis in order to make generic stipulations as to what products I should use.  You might be right, but nevertheless, I like those colors, and I want to wear them on my face.  After twenty minutes of probing those murky depths I was no nearer either to finding blue mascara or changing the global marketing strategies of Revlon and et al.  Moreover, I was avoiding actual important business (though what that was, for the life of me I can't remember.  Priorities - hah).  So I threw in the towel and picked up the item I was actually stopping to purchase: black mascara (I know - ridiculous).  Then I went on my merry way.

     Imagine my surprise that evening when I went to put away my new mascara.  The tube in my hand was blue.  Not sapphire black, not tinted whatever, royal blue.  Electric, honest to god, unmistakable blue.  I swear, I looked at every single mascara they sold at that drugstore - I searched every aisle that sold makeup, and looked at every one.  And there it was in my hand - exactly what I wanted.  And I had completely given up; just when I no longer had any attachment to the idea of wearing blue mascara that day, I found that I could.  That's called manifestation.  It's a powerful phenomena.  Call it what you will (coincidence, subconscious, chance, inattention, whatever), I call it magic.

    That turned out to be my last day working at the restaurant.  It was time for me to leave.  As things roll on ever faster I determined that a change was necessary.  It had been made clear to me at my place of work that if I was no longer happy there I shouldn't be there, so I left.  I have no regrets about that.  It's a pretty scary change, but let me never look back to see that I sacrificed possibility to fear.  I'm not getting any younger, and I'm as free as I'll ever be.  The time to change is now.

     So rather than focusing on the things I don't want; rather than chafing against a suit that doesn't fit; rather than pouring my energy into an unworthy vessel I have decided to redirect my attention.  This power of manifestation, of calling my life to me is a wonderful gift, and I don't want to waste it.  Besides, if I never try to make it in my chosen industry, how will I ever know what would've happened?  Maybe what I've been looking for has been in my hand this entire time and I've been too distracted to see it.  Or maybe, now that I've let go of something that wasn't serving me, I'll have room to pick up what I do actually want.