Read this book

I went to Skylight books on Vermont last night and made Official New Purchases, including Love is Not Constantly Wondering if You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life by Zach.  I read it in about two hours.

I think this book appealed to me because it's an examination of someone else's fucked up relationship: what made them stay, and why they should have left.  The pain the author went through was palpable while reading it.  Whether or not it reflects an actual relationship it clearly came from a deep, raw place.  I suspect it is based on his real story; that depth of investigation has to come from life.

Read straight through "Love is Not Constantly..." reads like someone's diary: chronological entries describe meeting and falling love with Anne, who it unfolds is an alcoholic.  As the novella progresses the author struggles between wanting to stay for those glimpses of something great, and needing to leave due of his girlfriend's lack of control.  What makes this story really special though, is that at the end of each 'entry' you're given a different date to turn to, or maybe a choice between two dates.  Following the author's skipping path through the book shows you the untenable logic of love: contrasting an ugly episode of alcoholism with a magic first kiss, letting the reader in on those unreasonable turns that keep you with someone you shouldn't be with.  That's where the genius of this novella lies.  From start to finish you'd probably close this book and wonder why Zach needed over four years to realize Anne wouldn't change.  Flipping back and forth you understand a little better how his heart played tricks on him, reminding of how things might be.

I'd recommend this fast read to anyone.  I admit that I did have anxiety dreams about my ex-boyfriend going on a six month heroin binge (which certainly never happened) after reading it late into the night.  So if you're emotionally susceptible maybe save it for an afternoon read.

10 Ways to Get Over a Breakup

1. Cut and/or dye your hair
2. Become vegetarian
3. Get a tattoo
4. Burn some shit (ie: the things your former lover was stupid enough to leave with you)
5. Start dating women (unless you already were, in which case, start dating men)
6. Take up witchcraft
7. The 3 P's! Pot, porn, and the Pixies!
8. Get a restraining order
9. Lots and lots of yoga
10. Start a blog

raw

Do you ever do that thing where you're pacing back and forth, trying to talk yourself out of getting on the computer?  Do you ever have that angsty-rage feeling where you want to tear off your clothes like someone in a bad action flick?


I got dumped.  Fuck, you know what?  I knew it wasn't working.  And I said to a coworker today that I thought I was going to break up with this guy today.  But goddamn!  This still doesn't feel good.  But let's be honest.  This breakup lives within the context of the other breakup I had this year.  And the feelings I'm feeling right now are the babies of those other feelings.

My horoscope today, by the way, was spot on:  "SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22—Dec 21): "The world is an oyster, but you don't crack it open on a mattress," said a character in Arthur Miller play. He was referring to the idea that if you're obsessed with sex and romance, your level of worldly accomplishment may be rather low. It jibes with what a friend in my youth told me when he noticed how much of my energy was engaged in pursuing desirable females: "They don't build statues in parks for guys who chase women." I realize you may not be wildly receptive to ruminating on these matters during the Valentine season, Sagittarius. However, the omens suggest I advise you to do just that. It's a good time to fine-tune the balance between your lifelong career goals and your quest for love."


Good, right?  I mean, FUCK.  I had a dream about this last week.  I dreamed that I was pregnant, about to give birth.  I was with my ex (the real ex), it was his baby.  We were in a school or warehouse, with high windows with square panes.  Outside it was stormy, there were only emergency lights, and the rain beat on the windows.  I was in labor and my ex left to smoke a cigarette.  He was gone for five hours.  I was in labor and had to deliver the baby myself.  My son and I were both covered in all the blood and fluids of childbirth.  He was still connected to me by the umbilical cord, and although I knew that I had to cut the cord I couldn't do it.  When my ex came back I asked him, "Where were you?  I was in labor!"  And he said, "I went out to smoke and I went for a walk.  Why didn't you call me?"  I was really upset, because obviously I was in labor and who knows if phones were even working?  There was a storm!  So I told him he had to cut the cord, but he just made excuses and wouldn't do it.


When I woke up from that dream I thought I should remember it and look into what it might mean.  But then I woke up more and was like, "Wait a second.  That dream is really obvious.  Way to be heavy-handed brain."  Anyway, now it's painfully obvious.  The thing is, I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of what shall henceforth be called Chatty Cathy's Freedom Fight.  Or maybe Freedom Festival.  I guess it depends on my mood.  I know that I'm not done being alone, that I have a lot more self-discovery coming.  I know that I'm not ready for another relationship.  So this is a good thing.  And it sucks.  Cause the guy that dumped me was a really nice guy.

Anyway, in case you were wondering, I'm done with Nothing New, and I'm going to buy a vibrator. Boom!

(I don't really know why my font kept changing...  Get over it.)

Taking Stock

Sitting down to write I'm noticing dust on my keyboard.  My bills, unopened mail, and tax documents are piled untidily under my monitor.  I'd say I've let a few things get messy in the last few months.  Which is okay.  Sometimes internally you're a mess, so you make everything around you as tidy as possible.  Eventually you'll come to the other side of that spiral, where you're more comfortable with some disorganization and chaos.  But I have reached a point where I feel I need to take stock.

Let's revisit Nothing New, shall we?  Okay.  I have to make a confession.  Some confessions.  I bought some shit that was new.  Let me hang my head in shame.  Okay, I bought a cheapass black wool coat at Crossroads, but it was a blue tag item, which means it was not used.  In my defense, the thing really looked used-it was covered in lint and some of the buttons were in its pockets, torn off.  Also, it's really hard to find coats that fit my gorilla arms.

Happy Birthday Bra!

I also got Eric at tee-shirt at the Echo Park Time Travel Mart.  I'll let you judge for yourself, but in my opinion he absolutely needed that shirt for his birthday.  And furthermore, EPTTM is a front for a literacy organization that self-publishes kids writings.  If I've got to buy something, let it be from a store like that.


I also bought some frames from Aaron Brothers (which store does not warrant a link, obvi).  Job gave me a series of prints from his first video piece, and suggested I go there to take advantage of the "buy one frame, get the second for a penny" deal.  I admit, I went straight out to buy the frames he suggested.  Although part of me thinks it would've been really cool to painstakingly find seven 11''x14'' frames, the other part just wanted instant gratification.  Whatever, I struggle with patience.

With Job at the Canadian Tuxedo party.

Beyond that my confessions are pitiful.  I bought some bobby pins, and a new loofah.  I bought new fabric to make Christmas gifts for my niece and nephews.  I can justify all that.  So this leads me to think about the whole not buying new thing.  In general, it hasn't had a huge obvious impact.  Truthfully, I'm not sure how much longer I have to go.  I think I'm almost done; I started mid-August.  This hasn't changed my habits or my daily patterns in a major way.  In subtle ways, though,  I've started thinking differently.  Or rather, I've stopped thinking some things.  Things like, "I could just go check out the sale rack," or "I need that right away."  Maybe the biggest impact has been one I can't see.  Maybe it's been on anyone who knows me or reads my blog.  I'd like to think so.

I can't quite decide if I should continue Nothing New for another 6 months: really recommit to the idea, or if I'm already living the paradigm, and it doesn't have to be a Formal Challenge to Myself.  I will keep you updated.

Okay, I admit, there's one thing I've been tempted to go get...