On Thursday I put my best friend on a plane to Boston.  Well, actually, I chucked her out in the parking garage across from the American terminal at LAX because we accidentally entered the structure and couldn't figure how to get out without her missing her plane.  Oh the irony - but that's a different story.  She visited me for almost a week, and we had a lovely time.  I have many friends.  Many good friends, many close friends, many people in my various circles that I know and like well.  But there are few people with whom I can really let go and be myself.

This is overexplanatory emotional tripe.  I'm trying to tell you about how I took my cat to the vet because he has a gnarly wound, and how I broke down while he was there because I was really worried about him and really lonely and felt like there was no one I could call.  I wanted to tell you a funny, self-deprecating story about how my cat is an extension of myself, and my horoscope this week said, (I'm paraphrasing here) "You're on a giant universal lathe right now, that is spinning you around and around, transforming you into something more beautiful and useful.  This is a painful process, it's worth it though."  I think this is funny because according to the vet, my cat seems to have pierced his side on something very like a lathe (my analogy, not hers).  And when I was showing people on myself where his wound is, it's basically the same place as my tattoo.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I felt so alone while Zaphod was at the vet yesterday.  I felt like, "That cat is my lifeline.  Without him I will be truly alone in LA."  I missed my family desperately.  I wanted to be able to hang out at someone's house where I don't have to try, I don't have to look good, I don't have to be entertaining or helpful or explain the background of my thoughts.  Coming from a week of BFF bliss (BFFB!) this aloneness and family-missingness was even harder to swallow.

Tonight I returned to my acting class after a six week hiatus.  It was good to be there, but also kind of tough.  Right before going to class I got some other news that really called some things into question.  The funny thing is, this other news isn't my news.  It's someone else's news (so I won't share it with you).  News that I should be happy about!  That I am happy about, if I stop to think.  But like so many things in life, when I heard this happy fare I immediately made it about me.  I hate that that's my reaction, but that's what it was.  And then, I came home.  We have a tradition of going to drinks after class, and certainly tonight, after my absence, should have been a night to celebrate.  Except I guess I didn't feel like celebrating.  Instead I came home to lick my wounds.  I wanted to check on my poor drugged out cat, stumbling into things with his cone, rolling around on his shaved belly with tubes sticking out (it's pretty freaky looking).

Sometimes I think, "Chatty Cathy really doesn't have to hang it out so much."  I had a guy tell me recently that he read my whole blog, and I wondered if that meant there was too much information here.  I don't know if these rambling musings are interesting or self-indulgent.  And I am making an effort to express more through art than through what is basically an embarrassing live journal.  But here it is anyway.

Five Gifts

I spent five days in the state of New York this week.  I got back really late Tuesday (really early Wednesday) and I have been meaning to write about the experience since then.  By my count this is the sixth time I have flown somewhere since moving into my apartment fifteen months ago.  Four (count them!) times to Seattle (freedom festival in May, Corey and Isaacs wedding in August - which included a trip within a trip to Victoria BC, Christmas, and my parent's 40th anniversary in March).  Additionally I flew to Boston in September for a funeral.  I also took a road trip to Big Sur in June.  Whew.  I'm sort of exhausted just thinking about it.

Those are my best friends from college.  I really love those bitches.  The last time I saw them all was in September in Boston.  So not under the best circumstances.  We have known each other for ten years, which is pretty fucking awesome, and we all agreed that it was time to meet up for a not-sad, not-wedding reason (not that there's anything wrong with weddings, but it's difficult for the wedder to get down).  So we did!  At that sassy girl with the arm's family cabin in upstate New York.  We had a really lovely time.  We drank wine and ate food and hiked and caught up and went swimming (skinny dipping in some cases).  We revealed painful truths and cried and had a lovefest.  It was like Sex in the City meets The Witches of Eastwick but with more girls, less sex (zero, actually) and more fun.

I've been through some tough shit with those girls.  Seeing them, I remembered why we became such good friends in the first place.  They get me in a way that other people down.  They have five hands in the formation of now-me.  And they understand me, in ways other people never could, by virtue of the trials we've passed together.  We are all facing the same frustrations and obstacles now.  They are like five mirrors reflecting back at me, revealing different sides of myself.  I don't always like the things I see in the mirror (literally and figuratively), but seen through the prism of my lovely friends those things get scaled down to their proper size: miniscule.

So often lately I feel like an outsider.  A loner.  That's okay.  I'm trying to embrace my introvert, and to be okay with loneliness although it's not my first choice.  But seeing those ladies reminded me that I do have a very deep community.  Just because it's not within reach at all times makes it no less real.  Those girls women are five gifts to me.  I cherish their friendship.

I'm not wild about the idea of traveling any time soon.  I need a break.  But I'm really glad I took the time to make that trip.  And even my desire to get home to LA two days earlier than I was supposed to is okay.  Because I realized that although I lately feel like I'm awash in the flood at the end of O Brother Where Art Thou, LA is my home now.  And even though I don't always know what road I'm on or where it leads, there are five ladies all over the country wearing matching shoes, worrying about the same blisters on their feet.

Tearing the World Apart

Let me tell you a little more about the show I'm currently working on.

Tearing the World Apart falls into the categories of experimental, physical, and dance theatre.  It consists of a series of vignettes exploring the title theme.  The vignettes include dance choregraphy, physical interpretation of text, physical improvisation, performance poetry, music and paint.

When I auditioned for this show I knew unfailingly that I had something to offer. I tore my own world apart last year; I've been sharing that journey fairly publicly here, in the hopes that it would resonate with other people, and also as my own method of therapy.  If you come see my show, you can join me and two other performers on the ride.  Heartbreak is definitely one aspect of the theme we explore.  We also explore some of the revolutions and riots of the last year, and the pervasive sense of dissatisfaction that floats around.  And we'll share with you our dreams for the future.  Because if you're going to destroy everything as you know it, hopefully you'll have something in mind to replace it with.

What I've been up to lately

It's been a while since I posted anything!  Honestly, I feel like a lot of the balls I was juggling have dropped for the moment.  Balls like social life, street art photography and tagging, and blogging.  Most of my extra time has been taken up with rehearsals for Hollywood Fringe Festival 2012.  It's a piece of experimental dance-theatre called Tearing the World Apart.  I've been in rehearsals three times a week since the middle of April helping develop this short piece (only 45 minutes).  We're exploring the theme of what happens when you're pushed to the edge, what happens when the world as you know it hangs in the balance, will you push forward to create change? even if that involves the painful destruction of all you know?  Just to make it even more fun, we're using projections, original sound design and performance poetry, and LIVE PAINTING.  It's messy.

        Working on this piece so far has been awesome.  It's been a while since I've done any physical theatre; I'm reminded of why I love it.  As an artist my goal is to serve as a vehicle for expression, to go places that others are unwilling or unable to explore, to take viewers on journeys they wouldn't embark on alone.  This piece, this strange little avantgarde piece of theatre so far has given me that.

And that's kind of the problem.  This piece is developing into something intensely personal.  How could it not?  I'm collaborating with an amazing team of artists (director Naomi Bennet, playwright Barbara Ishida, cocreator Mercedes Manning, actor Alejandro Ruiz, actor Carrie Newell, production designer Heather Fipps, and a couple of other people I haven't met) to create a piece of theatre taking into account the state of the world today, along with our personal stories.  So along the way, my feelings and my journey have wormed their way into the piece.  And that's kind of scary.

So here it is, I'm asking you to come out and see it.  It frightens me to do so, because you may come see this piece and think it's weird.  You might not get it.  You might disagree with some of what's said.  You may learn more about me than I am comfortable telling you.  You may hate it.  Or you might love it.  You might see something like you've never seen before.  You might learn more about me than I'm comfortable telling you.  You might be motivated to take the plunge and change your own world a little bit.

There are a few ways you can support me in this.  Come to our fundraiser on Saturday at 12pm.  We will perform an excerpt of the piece, and then invite the audience to join us to play with paint.  Come get messy!  It's $20, which is kind of steep, but all proceeds go to supplies and rehearsals space and costumes and that kind of good stuff.  If you have kids, bring them!  It will be fun!

Or come see the show!  We have three performances: Sunday June 17 at 5pm, Saturday June 23 at 3pm, and Sunday June 24 at 4:30pm.  It's $10, but if you're really broke I can get you a discount.  Or if you come to the fundraiser AND the performance we have discounts for you.

Or you can donate directly via Indiegogo.  I would really appreciate your support in any capacity.  I feel awkward asking people to give money to something, or to come to a fundraiser and a performance, but I guess I've just got to be humble.  Please help.  Even if all you do is come see me perform, I will notice.  And you'll get something out of it too, I promise.  All my love to you all, thanks for reading!

Mistake!

Never make the mistake
of looking at the Lost and Found page
on Craig's List.
A sadder thing you'll never find.

Sample subject headings read:
LOST!!! Male Jackapoo SoFierce
missing cat (neptune's net)
Lost - Two white doves
Lost Cat/Gato Perdido - Grey and White

Messages include identifying marks and habits,
different colored collars,
and where they were last scene.
Honest unaffected cries to the community at large:
"Please help me find my dog!!!"
"If you have any info, please contact me.  We miss her."

These messages tug at my heart.
I've lost cats.  Not Zaphod.
Normally I skim the internet,
here I take in every word.

Have you seen me?