Taking the intense route kind of seems like the theme of the last year, or even longer, maybe since the last time I posted, over 18 months ago. Maybe that's the theme of my adult life. Up until a few days ago I wasn't feeling too great about turning 33. 32 was an incredibly difficult year. I experienced my worst bout of depression, and came face to face with some life long patterns and habits that were no longer serving me. Luckily I have an amazing support system of friends and family, and I got through it. I did a lot of inward looking last year.
In these past few weeks though, coming up to the anniversary of my birth, circling back around to all the expectations I had for the year, versus the reality of what I experienced, I haven't been that stoked. Even though I have tried my best to divorce myself from "shoulds", from ideas of what I am "supposed" to have achieved by this time in my life, it's difficult when faced with a birthday not to hold that measuring stick up and find myself falling short.
Recently though, I went to a great talk about creativity by artist Dave Zaboski. He talked about his keys to creativity, and how he has used them to keep from getting blocked. The thing he said that resonated the most strongly with me is that artists iterate. Artists take a pass at an idea, and then, in the event that the product of their efforts doesn't match the desired outcome, they circle back around. To illustrate this idea Dave drew a spiral, indicating that each time we take a pass at an idea we come closer to our goal.
I love this. The notion of the spiral as a function of the way we cycle through experiences in our lives is not new to me, but I had never quite thought of it this way. I like the idea that if I try something and it doesn't work out, when I give it another shot I'm not going back to the beginning, rather I am continuing around the spiral, closing in on my goal, making a smaller revolution on the way in there.
I recently had been getting down on myself for feeling bummed out again because I thought I should be "better". I felt like I had to start all the way over to feel happy again. But now I'm looking at it a little differently. It's not that I'm going all the way back to where I was last year at this time, heartbroken and sick and pretty lost; now I'm just taking another pass at it. I'm not starting completely over, I'm circling around the spiral again, closing in more quickly or concisely this time on the ultimate goal of happiness and self-awareness.
Our hike yesterday took about an hour and fifteen minutes down to the springs, which seemed long and steep. Our hike out took about two hours, finished in the dark, and seemed never ending. We had to stop to rest multiple times. But it was so worth it. It was one of my most unique and cherished birthdays ever. And I would not have had that experience, or even the idea to do that, if I hadn't gone through this last year. And now I'm feeling pretty great. Ultimately I still have the same challenges in my life-I still have to figure out how to achieve my goals, I still have to clearly define those goals, and support myself while I do it, but I remember a little more clearly that the journey is more important than the destination. I saw so many gorgeous variations of the sky yesterday. The hot spring was the midpoint of the journey, it was not even the end of the adventure.
I'm the spirit of the spiral, in the spirit of enjoying the journey, I'm taking another pass at some things, including blogging. I'm a little rusty at the moment, but I trust the process. Happy fucking birthday to me!
