raw

Do you ever do that thing where you're pacing back and forth, trying to talk yourself out of getting on the computer?  Do you ever have that angsty-rage feeling where you want to tear off your clothes like someone in a bad action flick?


I got dumped.  Fuck, you know what?  I knew it wasn't working.  And I said to a coworker today that I thought I was going to break up with this guy today.  But goddamn!  This still doesn't feel good.  But let's be honest.  This breakup lives within the context of the other breakup I had this year.  And the feelings I'm feeling right now are the babies of those other feelings.

My horoscope today, by the way, was spot on:  "SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22—Dec 21): "The world is an oyster, but you don't crack it open on a mattress," said a character in Arthur Miller play. He was referring to the idea that if you're obsessed with sex and romance, your level of worldly accomplishment may be rather low. It jibes with what a friend in my youth told me when he noticed how much of my energy was engaged in pursuing desirable females: "They don't build statues in parks for guys who chase women." I realize you may not be wildly receptive to ruminating on these matters during the Valentine season, Sagittarius. However, the omens suggest I advise you to do just that. It's a good time to fine-tune the balance between your lifelong career goals and your quest for love."


Good, right?  I mean, FUCK.  I had a dream about this last week.  I dreamed that I was pregnant, about to give birth.  I was with my ex (the real ex), it was his baby.  We were in a school or warehouse, with high windows with square panes.  Outside it was stormy, there were only emergency lights, and the rain beat on the windows.  I was in labor and my ex left to smoke a cigarette.  He was gone for five hours.  I was in labor and had to deliver the baby myself.  My son and I were both covered in all the blood and fluids of childbirth.  He was still connected to me by the umbilical cord, and although I knew that I had to cut the cord I couldn't do it.  When my ex came back I asked him, "Where were you?  I was in labor!"  And he said, "I went out to smoke and I went for a walk.  Why didn't you call me?"  I was really upset, because obviously I was in labor and who knows if phones were even working?  There was a storm!  So I told him he had to cut the cord, but he just made excuses and wouldn't do it.


When I woke up from that dream I thought I should remember it and look into what it might mean.  But then I woke up more and was like, "Wait a second.  That dream is really obvious.  Way to be heavy-handed brain."  Anyway, now it's painfully obvious.  The thing is, I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of what shall henceforth be called Chatty Cathy's Freedom Fight.  Or maybe Freedom Festival.  I guess it depends on my mood.  I know that I'm not done being alone, that I have a lot more self-discovery coming.  I know that I'm not ready for another relationship.  So this is a good thing.  And it sucks.  Cause the guy that dumped me was a really nice guy.

Anyway, in case you were wondering, I'm done with Nothing New, and I'm going to buy a vibrator. Boom!

(I don't really know why my font kept changing...  Get over it.)