I've been dutiful. Working my fancy, corporate restaurant job in Pasadena, submitting my marketable, all-American headshots, and denying a very large side of my personality. The largest side of my personality. For you, dear readers, this probably comes as no surprise: I'm a weirdo and I like it. I get really excited about listening to Neal Stephenson speak at the local indie bookstore. I dance alone in my apartment in the middle of the night to Miike Snow. I eat weirdo health foods, and photograph street art, and fear the Kindle. Almost all my clothes were used before I bought them; I am passionate about gay rights; there are lots of pictures of nude people in my apartment. I have been informed on more than one occasion that my dark side is very well-explored. I call myself an artist. I like tattoos.
I like tattoos. I like them on my friends and on the people I date, and I have a couple. I know tattoos are not for everyone. After all, moderation in all things, right? Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying all tattoos tasteful ,or attractive. But when thoughtfully executed they can be lovely. I got a new tattoo this week. Surprise!
The quality of the photo isn't great, but I'm not that concerned about it. The quality of the work is excellent and I love it. The idea for the hummingbird was around for a long time, but I never knew where I wanted it. In my head it moved from right shoulder to right lower back to right pelvis, but it was never the right time. Until it was. Like with all my other big decisions, one day I just woke knowing what I wanted to do. If you have never experienced this brand of certainty, let me tell you: there is no more gratifying feeling than reserving judgement until you equivocally know the right move.
Getting this tattoo was a big thing. There were a lot of reasons - spoken and unspoken, not to. As an actor I wanted to be marketable. I didn't want to pigeon-hole myself, I wanted to be able to go out for any role. That was mostly an excuse though. I think I was hiding behind hypothetical roles because I was afraid. Afraid of disapprobation. I come from a very conservative upbringing, and I dislike conflict. For a long time I have avoided bringing up certain subjects for fear of being disrespectful, or disrespected, or (worst of all) disliked. Please understand: I'm setting out here to describe what is a very personal and painful process of self-realization. No disrespect at all is meant to where or who I come from. I love my family very very much. I am more grateful to them than I could ever express. But in some ways I'm very different from them. I have different aesthetics, and in some cases different morals.
My little hummingbird makes me happy. I love it. I love looking at it, and noticing it out the corner of my eye while I sit here typing. I love how it looks in pictures; in general I find it very aesthetically pleasing. And somehow now I feel more like myself. Most importantly, I have faith that this feeling will stay. I'm glad I waited until now to get it, though. I have thought long and hard about the repercussions and ramifications of having an image tattooed indelibly on my body. Heck, I could've gotten breast implants or plastic surgery, but that's not me. The body modification that speaks to me is an image, and I wanted it right there on my forearm where it would serve to remind me of certain things; where I couldn't hide it.
I feel like I spent a long time hiding. I've been dutiful and marketable, or however you want to characterize it: approachable, acceptable, likable, friendly, blah blah blah. Now, finally, I just want to be me. Bleached streaks in my hair, cut up tee-shirts, visible tattoos and all. Not that those other qualities aren't part of me, they're just not the whole me. I'm tired of leaving the intrinsic parts of myself behind when I come to the table. From now on, I'm bringing the whole thing. Hopefully even if you don't always agree with my choices, you'll respect that my happiness doesn't always come in the same shape as yours. I may do things that don't make sense to you sometimes, but that doesn't mean they are hasty decisions. I'm working really hard to find those things that make me happy. My new tattoo makes me happy. This is my coming out party: I'm coming out as a weird, nerdy, gluten-free, sometimes spazzy, tattooed, artistic, eclectic, feminine, independant, contradictory person.
No comments:
Post a Comment