I think saying this out loud (writing it on the internet) is important.

It's funny.  I've got this really awesome bracelet that I got at the MIYFS Thrift Shop a few years ago.  The thing is, it's a cuff made of woven metal and beads and it catches on everything.  I can't wear it with any loosely woven scarves because it pulls.  It broke recently in my purse, and I'm in the process of reconstructing it  (with some Chatty Cathy personal touches of course).  The bitch of it is that every time I sit down to start working on it I start spinning on something to write.

Oh well, whatever.  At least I'm still creating something, and miraculously the cat has not spread my beads all over with his fat ass (yet).

So anyway, tonight the topic of identity floated up as soon as I started stirring my mental stewpot.  Specifically: personal identity and romantic relationships.  The first time I ever realized these phenomena were connected I was approximately 16 and experiencing an upsetting breakup for the first time.  The first boy I ever "loved" told me he felt like I was 90% best friend and 10% friend.  Needless to say I was crushed.  Understand I was a scrawny, flatchested,  beanpole of a theatre dork who somehow managed to score (in the most virginal sense of the word) a boyfriend despite my giant glasses and braces.  Please contrast that image with the vain, preening giraffe you know (in the least virginal sense of the word) and love now.

But please, let's reboard my original train of thought.  My boyfriend had just broken up with me and I suddenly found myself without friends.  In some ways this is an exaggeration, but there are also generous nuggets of truth there.  I had to rebuild my friendship with my best friend, and had lost some friends forever.  Once I started dating the next guy I remember feeling much more conscious of maintaining current friendships.  In my recent experience I've been really blessed to connect on a much deeper level with the people in my life.  I've totally rediscovered people I've known for 15 years, and I've also been completely surprised by how some people stepped suddenly into the roles of confidant.  I've forged a lot of new relationships this year.  While this process parallels my journey of self-discovery, it is also somewhat dependent on it.

Maybe it's because I'm such a greedy person that I notice this trend within myself: when I'm attached to someone, whether it's a relative, a friend, or a lover, I want everything they've got.  In return I'm only willing to give them my entire self back.  This might cause you to sit back and shout at the computer, "What a foolhardy concept!  Why would you be so stupid?".  But it's a tough cycle to break.  I know it sets me up for disappointment, but the best I can do is to try to be aware of it and to create opposite expectations (thanks Stuart).

Now that I've started dating again I feel like I need to be really careful of these trends.  I want to be really careful not to expect too much from someone, especially specific things.  And more importantly, I want to be careful not to lose myself in someone else.  I felt like I lost part of my identity for a long time.  I remember feeling this way YEARS ago, and being unable to make a strong decision to take it back.  I've been having such a fucking good time digging down in my weird little places, and I don't ever want to stop.  I've said before that one thing I like about living alone is that I can get as strange as I want and never worry about someone else's judgement.  That freedom is something I don't want to lose.

But excuse me, I've got some late night metal work to do.  So you can probably expect another blogpost in the morning.